Friends with Benefits

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Laura’s Take: This issue is becoming such an epidemic among the younger generations of today. Why does it seem that nearly every college student, male or female, has to play the field, “see what their options are,” or skip the dating process completely?

I saw a news story not more than a week ago, talking about students all across the nation, reversing the dating process. In fact, about 60% of all college students have had a “friend with benefits” relationship. What does this mean? Instead of dating someone to see if you want to take things to the next levels, marriage and intimacy, College students are skipping the first two steps and going straight to intimacy, where they then decide whether the other person is worth dating. This is a huge problem because it usually results in disappointment, regret, loneliness, and low self-esteem.

It may seem like a great deal, “no strings attached,” but there are always strings attached. Sex creates a bond between two people, it would be foolish to deny this, so how can you tell me that there’s no emotions involved? The fact is that people in this kind of arrangement will have an attachment for one another, almost like a pacifier to calm them. Had a bad day or something and need to unwind, who are probably going to turn to? When those strings start getting too tangled up, someone will cut them, leaving the other person out both a companion and a friend.

And what happens when you want to break away from the “friends with benefits” title and move into a real relationship with that person? Well if the person agreed to being just friends with benefits in the first place, they’re probably not aren’t looking for any form of commitment. Thus, you’re forced to choose between having just a friend with benefits relationship or being alone once again, which both choices leaves a person both disappointed and emotionally alone.

My advice to anyone considering starting a “friends with benefits” arrangement, is if you’re not looking for an actual relationship, keep your pants on, because it’s only going to give you more problems. If you can’t do that, you should probably seek out medical and psychological treatment to control your overactive hormones.

Kris’ Take: I know it was briefly glossed over but I’m going to dig a little deeper into the “what if you try to start a real relationship” aspect. Not only are you going to be starting a real relationship, but you need to end your old friends with benefits relationship also. I imagine that wouldn’t be so easy to do, after all, you’re only friends… right? Or wait, were you more than friends? It wouldn’t be fair to your new relationship to stay friends with this person. If you think it’s okay then you shouldn’t be entering into a real relationship because I can’t imagine your girlfriend being too thrilled that you’re friends with benefits is sticking around. And if you think keeping that aspect of your friendship a secret is a good idea, you really don’t need to be entering into a relationship!

People don’t enter a friends with benefits relationship to “find that special someone.” I don’t care how much they lie to themselves and others, people enter friends with benefits because they want sex, and they don’t want commitment. I’m not saying that any of these “friendships” haven’t lead to a relationship with the “friend,” but it’s not likely. If you’re engaged in a friends with benefits relationship on the pretenses that you’ll fall in love and run off into the sunset, then you’ve probably been lied to.  Just wait until marriage.

15 Responses to “Friends with Benefits”

  1. Sue Says:

    Intimacy between two people is for marriage, only. The only person who can help you from loneliness, bitterness, or low self esteem is Jesus Christ. Let God lead you to your future mate.

  2. Hot Tamales Says:

    Laura’s Take: I fully agree with you Sue, Intimacy is only meant to be shared with a husband or wife. That’s why Kris and I are waiting till we get married. And as you said, without Jesus Christ, you’ll always feel empty and alone. The only way to be fully happy is to have God in your life.

  3. Hot Tamales Says:

    Kris’ Take: Not to sound like a broken record, but I agree also. :)

  4. Cyberevolution Says:

    …I’d have to agree on this whole thing too, cutting out dating altogether cheapens the whole intimacy thing;

    Intimacy – when handled correctly can be such a lasting experience, but a lot of what makes that can only be achieved through the dating process… it’s like a centuries old dance; which has certain steps and rules, if you try and skip a couple of steps you only end up tripping yourself up and falling out of beat with mother nature’s music.

    basically going straight for intimacy without dating and relationships, isn’t intimacy at all, I’m not even sure there’s a word for it? But it’ll only end in someone getting hurt. I think that is where the moral lies; if you don’t wanna get hurt, learn the dance!

  5. Hot Alpha Female Says:

    I think a lot of people fall into the friends with benefits thing. They don’t intentionally wake up one morning and go .. today im going to find an F buddy!!!

    Usually people who get into these relationships are dealing with issues of their own. They want this no strings attached thing, but the thing is, people always end up getting hurt.

    I really believe that initiating in something like this, is lowering your standards. Maybe your really attracted to this friend and you want more … but he isn’t willing to give you more emotionally. Now you just in a game that you can never win.

    Not good for the self confidence, self image and self respect.

    With that said this whole issue makes me a little sad. A little sad that people are settling for less than they deserve. Maybe they believe that this kind of relationship if you even want to call it that … is all that they are looking for at the moment.

    But my suggestion would be to focus more on yourself. Discover what beliefs or issues that you need to work on and fix that first. Then and only then will you realize that you deserve and can have a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with someone who is willing to give you the whole package.

    Hot Alpha Female

    http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com

  6. Tina Says:

    In my own opinion the phrase “friends wth benefits” means having a reliable relationship with the oppostie sex. But when intimacy, and commitment become key factors “friends with benefits” takes on a whole deeper meaning. I agree that when you become intimate with a close friend you are only left with a sense of loneliness and regret because you don’t have a sense of security, stabilty, and most of all you won’t be able to experience what they call love.

  7. Hot Tamales Says:

    Kris’ Take: @Tina I agree, a relationship like that strips the involved of the emotional benefits and support of a true relationship. I’m willing to bet it’s hollow and unfulfilling.

  8. Mona Lisa Says:

    This whole topic is quite upsetting….Jumping into the bed before even knowing a person = a whore or pimp! What if the person has a STD or some other mental or emotional crisis? What if the person is a rapist or worse still a murderer? When people begin to act out like animals, we need to adjust the channel and focus on what is triggering the lies, and deception! Todays youth want it ALL, they eant to experience alcohol, drugs, sexual encounters, they want it All and without thinking end up losing a good part of who they once were….We weren’t born to think and act out like animals, but to feel with a Human Heart that is filled with Compassion and true Love for another human being….
    Those who have made the decision to go straight to the Bed, will undoutedly be disgusted with themselves down the road, perhaps after they learn one of the people they slept with had AIDS……Now that’s pretty telling…..I think it’s Awesome Laura and Kris that you have decided to Wait till Marriage, because once you lose that Gift you can’t get it back……Yet another Great Topic with real Life ramifications…God Bless….

  9. lynn Says:

    As long as the two partners are aware of sexual history, practice safe sex and understand the situation they’re going through, then it can be mutually beneficial. Nobody in their right mind enters an FWB relationship as a way to look for love. Those who enter such a relationship want sex and physical pleasure. Simple as that.

    That said, yes, there are always strings attached.

  10. John Says:

    Just thought i’d be the first male to offer you the other side of the coin from a FWB relationship that has so far been smooth sailing:

    I have a friends with benefits relationship with my best friend in the world. The thing is, it’s nothing like the one you described above. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now in college) and have a deep, soulful connection that transcends words but neither of us are ‘skipping steps’ to intimacy and hoping to elevate this into a relationship. Infact, that’s probably the last thing we want. We dated for a year before and for reasons beyond our control it didn’t work out. This arrangement has been going on for some time now and I can safely say that despite what you say it works. The thing is to focus not on the benefits but on the friend. We still do things that normal friends do. We still hang out, go to the movies, talk on the phone and i’m still there for her as she is there for me. She is my best friend and i’d be lost without her. There is no fear of STD’s, awkwardness or mental or emotional crisis because we known and trust each other above all else.

    To the first or three obviously traditional dogmatic Christian posters: you completely missed the point. This post has nothing to do with Christian views on marriage just the alarming overall trend for friends with benefits relationships to fail.

    “And as you said, without Jesus Christ, you’ll always feel empty and alone. The only way to be fully happy is to have God in your life.”

    I don’t really see how it is relevant for you to find space to squeeze in and preach Christianity in an otherwise unrelated topic, but while your sentiment may be true in your life, it is certainly not true in mine. I was born and raised a Christian for 21 years and have only recently broken free of the incredibly powerful brainwashing and formed my own belief as a deist. I am a lot happier with my life in general now, even if I am going to hell. :]

    Ciao, regards, and thank you for reading :]

  11. Sabrina Says:

    How about I offer a FEMALE view of a FWB relationship that is so working out so far:

    And please, save the whore and no self-esteem comments. Quite untrue in fact. And another pet peeve of mine is the confusion of f*ck buddies and FwB in both name and meaning.

    F*ck buddy: Notice the fist word? Yeah, that’s the type of relationship that one would literally call the other and say “You horny? Let’s meet up. Don’t forget to leave when we are done.”

    Friends with Benefits: You are FRIENDS. Most likely started at that way. You’re friendship has elevated to a new level where you are comfortable being intimate but it’s still NOT a relationship. And there could be any number of reasons why.

    I, myself, am not ready to have a man completely involved in my life because there is too much that is going on that I would not be able to give him the attention that he would need and deserve. And I don’t want to hear that, “oh if you where in a relationship he could be there FOR you and help you out.” No. He couldn’t. Trust me, my life and I know what’s going on. Truthfully, my FwB is pretty much in the same boat as me in regards to issues with life.

    I don’t have to worry about him breathing down my neck in regards as to whom I’m hanging out with, who’s that guy you’re talking too, etc…

    Neither one of us gets angry or upset when the other doesn’t feel like hanging out, or doesn’t feel like having sex when hanging out.

    And yes, when either one of us had started a relationship with someone else, we stopped being intimate, but continued as friends.

    Want me to continue?

    Back to point.

    So the FwB works out for the both of us cause, hey, we are human and we have needs and we are comfortable with someone we trust. We can be there for each other on that level as well as other levels in time of need. Because we are FRIENDS.

    Later. =^_^=

  12. Alexa Says:

    I am really confused right now.

    Reading some of the first few posts, I was thinking…hey, okay i will stop this friends with benefits relationship right now, move on with my life & start a search for someone who i know will be there for me. I can’t continue always feeling unappreciated by a guy.

    Then, after reading Sabrina’s post, I was thinking…hey, maybe I should just continue this FwB relationship because yes i am human & i need my sexual satisfaction. The guy is really hot, and hey..i’ll be moving out of town within 11 months anyway! —With the whole “just having fun/carpe diem/live your life”perspective.

    Oh what to do..to continue the FwB or not? I’ve tried before to stop talking and seeing him to prevent myself from getting hurt because I know he’s been seeing his ex sometimes, but it was so hard..cause all of a sudden one day he or I start talking to each other again. Our physical attraction to each other is..let me tell you…extremely high. Meaning our “bedtime” is amazing. But the communication aspect isn’t quite exactly on the same level. This has been going on for over a year, and it has been up & down..in the beginning when we first became friends, we talked a lot. Now it’s like short convos once every couple weeks. I don’t know what to do! I am so perplexed.

  13. Beneficial Friends Pt. 2 « C.A.P.S.love. Says:

    [...] I read someone else’s blog about this same subject….or at least it was about the pros and cons to being “friends [...]

  14. Era Perez Says:

    I have frequented your port before. The more I take in, the more I keep coming back!

  15. ginger Says:

    He was dating when I met him. We met it took me 3 4 months to call.I wanted something not sure what. But he made sure that we had no strings attached. I said , like friends with benefits? Yah sure he said. He takes me out to eat. He cooks dinner for me. We have awesome sex. I was told by another man that says he really likes me. I really like him to. But the friends with benefits is a lot easier for me. There are no rules. Can friends with benefits last or is the other person having other relations? He lies, he doesn’t cuddle after sex but we stay in bed and restlessly sleep I want to be held. He does to. I think we are both injured. I know we both have a big sex drive, but I feel connected and I don’t know how he feels or can he feel. Can I feel. On a sex level I can. I’m not sure I can handle commitment am I willing to try. Does he even think about me when I’m not around? This is hard for me I don’t want to be alone but I need my space and freedom to or I may stray. Commitment puts limits. I never had a real relationship. I’m 39 good looking smart and told I’m worth more than just a f. Ck partner


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