Sharing Each Other’s Hobbies

Laura’s Take: Hobbies. Some of them are fun, and others, well, not so much… but the fact is that nearly everyone has one. When you’re in a serious relationship, it’s important to make an effort to share in your honey’s hobbies, whether it’s painting, collecting something, or taking pictures. Who knows, you might find out that you love collecting coins. That hasn’t really happened for me quite yet, but when Kris buys a new coin, I try to act interested. I’m just kidding of course. He loves sharing his hobby with me, and honestly, I love when he does. It’s nice being able to share our hobbies with each other. I don’t ever want to say, “Oh, that’s his thing.”

I don’t always like doing what Kris likes to do, but I still make an effort to seem interested. Why? Because when the time comes around for me to pick out that cute outfit for the his company’s Christmas party, I expect him to be anxiously waiting outside the dressing room. By the way, Kris doesn’t have a problem going shopping with me, but I know many men who can’t stand shopping with their women, so I thought it would be a suitable example.

Keep in mind that sharing in someone else’s hobby isn’t necessarily a game of give and take. Sometimes you learn to enjoy the hobby just as much as they do! I sometimes catch myself sifting through the change I get while shopping to see if there are any old coins that I think Kris might like.

When we think something is fun, cool, or interesting, we want to tell someone right? What if you absolutely loved playing piano… (as I do) and wanted to play a song for your sweety, but he or she didn’t care… Wouldn’t you be a little hurt? Now I’m not saying that they need to take up piano lessons, but just a mere “That was lovely Sweety,” could prove that they care about you and respect what’s important to you.

Kris’ Take:  Yes, this is very important.  It can be alienating when you feel like the person you love has absolutely no interest in your hobbies, and that’s why people should make an effort to share in it.  I collect coins, as you’ve probably gathered, and many people find that to be terribly boring.  I enjoy it because of all of the history behind them, and Laura understands that.  After all, it is pretty neat holding a coin that’s 125 years old, or even 2,000 years old!  It means a lot to me when I get a new coin and I can hurry up and show Laura my latest find; it’s like finding buried treasure.  It would make me sad if I rushed home to show Laura and all she said was “OK.  That’s boring.”

The same thing goes with shopping.  Now, I don’t hate shopping, but there are other things that I prefer doing sometimes.  This doesn’t change the fact that if Laura wants to hit up the mall, I go.  I don’t drag my feet either!  Many men will go just to appease, but they make it painfully obvious that they don’t want to be there.  This isn’t supportive, in fact it might be more damaging than not going at all.  Why should I take Laura somewhere that she really wants to be, then make it miserable for her?  It doesn’t make sense, and I would even call it an oxymoron.

It’s all about give and take.  Laura spends the time to listen to me about my hobbies, and I spend the time assisting her in her hobbies.  It can’t be one sided, or someone is losing out.  Relationships are about building each other up and growing together.  Segregating your hobbies from one another just makes time for the two of you to grow apart, and that seems contrary to the idea behind a relationship.

Everyone Likes Reassurance

Laura’s Take: It’s not that I have low self-esteem, but I love the frequent “I Love Yous” that Kris sends my way. Kris and I never let the other just assume the fact. Some people may disagree with this, saying that the frequent “I Love You” will eventually turn meaningless. Not the case. Reassuring someone about how you feel also helps them feel more secure in your relationship together, creating a more solid foundation that can withstand doubt. Meaningless?! “I Love You” is the most meaningful phrase you can say to someone, and when you love someone, why wouldn’t you want to tell them all the time?

Kris’ Take:  Yeah, I’ve heard those people too.  So while they’re being frugal with their “I Love Yous” I’ll make sure that Laura never rests her head on her pillow at night and wonders if I love her.  I’ve heard so many tragic stories where a person is quoted as saying “I never got to say I love you” or “I hope they knew that I loved them.”  Why leave it to chance?

Cheating Spouses: Love them or Leave them

Laura’s Take: Marriage is a holy union between two people and God, a union that is meant to stand the test of time. But God gave each and every one of us free will to make our own decisions, and sometimes we, as humans, don’t always make the best ones. Some bad decisions can have only a small impact on our lives, while others can completely change the rest of your life. How does a person cope with the knowledge that their husband or wife is having an affair? If you’re in this position, here are a few things to take into consideration.

• How did you find out? If you had to do your own snooping to find out, then the odds are that he or she wasn’t planning on ever telling you. If they confess without your snoopage, then they are most likely remorseful of their actions and wanted to be honest with you.
• Do you have any children? Sometimes couples that have experienced infidelity decide it’s better to remain in the relationship for the sake of the children. Children don’t like having parents who are constantly fighting, in fact, sometimes they’d actually prefer the divorce. Talk to your children and ask them how they feel about the issue. It’s not just about you and your spouse, it’s about the entire family.
• Do you want revenge? It’s a natural feeling to want to hurt the person who hurt you, but vengeful cheating will only hurt yourself. Having meaningless relations with another person will lower your self esteem and only make you feel worse. Try to get over your pain the hard way, lots of tissues and ice cream.
• Will they cheat again? Well it really just depends on the person, but my belief is if they’re willing to risk their marriage once, why not again? It’s like the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
• Can you ever trust them again? Well I can answer this one for you. No, you’ll never be fully able to trust them after there’s been infidelity. When he’s late coming home from work, you’ll wonder if there’s something still going on. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the constant paranoia.
• What do you want to do? There’s only two options, stay in the relationship or move on. Tell your spouse you need some time to think about what you want. Go away for a few days, and during those days, avoid talking to them, because they could try and persuade your opinion. They already made their decision, it’s time for you to make yours.

If you decide that you want to work things out, try going to a marriage counselor to talk about ways to deal with the situation. Counseling is one of the only ways to really be able to rebuild a relationship. If your spouse truly wants to work things out, there should be no fighting about going to the couple’s therapy. It’s so sad to hear when a couple is torn by infidelity. Please, don’t put yourself or your marriage in a compromising position by letting the world’s temptations get the best of you.

Kris’ Take: This is a very sad subject to tackle but unfortunately it’s a rampant problem. I completely agree with the counseling. I don’t think anybody involved in a situation like this is any kind of condition to try and repair the relationship. A counselor can be an invaluable tool that will allow you to make amends rather than just bury the hurt deep down inside. Chances are, if you decide to manage a cheating relationship just between the two of you, one of you is going to just be burying the hurt. A counselor will have the ability to bring out the emotions and arrive to the conclusions that would otherwise be overlooked, or considered too bothersome to face.

The best thing I can say about cheating in the first place is to prevent it. The reason cheating is so common is because people put themselves into situations where it can easily be accomplished. do you have a female colleague? Don’t go out to lunch with her, or do overnighters with her, or put yourself in any position where the two of you could be found alone. Not only will this help to prevent cheating, it will also prevent office rumors that can be just as equally damaging. Do you have a female friend? Don’t spend hours on the phone with her, and if you two are to hang out, bring your wife along. What will the two of you be doing that you couldn’t do with the woman that you supposedly will love until death do you part? Maybe she’d like to get out of the house or meet another female whom she can be friends with.

If you have a “look but don’t touch” attitude, get rid of it. All it takes is for one of those guys or girls that your day dreaming about to say hi and ask you to lunch, then it’s just a friendly lunch, right? Then he or she is giving you nice friendly compliments, friendly, right? Then you start noticing that your husband/wife doesn’t give you those nice compliments, that means this friend is better, right? They make you feel good so you should spend just a tad bit more time with them, right? But your husband/wife doesn’t need to know about these extra meetings, what they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? The answer to all of those is no.

If it sounds like I’m being too strict, then that’s because I take relationships seriously. You must make sacrifices so it will work, and if you don’t think that’s the reality of it, then you’re willing to sacrifice your marriage for another relationship which still validates my point. You can’t be in the wrong place at the wrong time if you never went there to begin with.

Unemployed Husband

Kris’ Take: So you go to work all day, and you come home to see your husband sitting on the couch, flipping through channels, and he didn’t really do anything around the house. If this sounds familiar then you’re not alone according to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics. 6.5% of marriages in the United States are in a similar situation. There are advantages to one spouse staying home like keeping watch of the kids, or just keeping the house and yard nice and tidy, but you’re not reading this because of that. You’re probably reading this because the husband isn’t doing any of those things.

There has been a paradigm shift since women’s rights and suffrage, and many women don’t like it. I see searches for it all the time, but what can women do? Like any other problem you should sit down and talk about it. But before you do that, you need to find out what is really bothering you about it. Do you feel stressed, like the full work load is on you? Does it make you angry that ‘lazy bones’ gets to rest all day? Are you barely making your bills, or falling behind? Do you feel that it’s the man’s responsibility to go to work and for you to take are of the homefront? Are you annoyed that he’s not getting enough done around the house? This is important to consider because as soon as you sit down and let him know that you don’t like him working, he’s probably going to ask you why.

I’ve always been hugely motivated, and I don’t know many guys who could just sit at home while their wife brought in the income. But, if this is the guy you’ve got, then you’re going to need to work with it. If you’re falling behind in bills then that should be motivation enough, be honest with the financial climate of the household. If you’re just unhappy with the situation then that should be motivation enough for him to want to step up and help out in the marriage. If he doesn’t want to get a job, then you need to find out why. This situation can get so complicated so quickly because there are a lot of reasons that a man may not want to work. Some might include that he feels he doesn’t need to work because you make enough money, or that he feels he does enough around the house, or maybe he’s just completely lazy. Whatever the reason is; if it puts a strain on the marriage or your mental health, I would suggest seeking out a marriage counselor.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Laura’s Take: Hi There! We just wanted to say Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! This is such a fun holiday that you get to spend with your sweety. It’s nice have a day to completely devote to them, to show them how much you truly care and love them.

So what are Kris and I going to be doing on Valentine’s Day? Well I plan on making a romantic dinner for just the two of us. It should be really sweet. We talked about it earlier this week and decided that a nice candlelight dinner at home just sounded much more pleasant than going to a busy restaurant that doesn’t honor reservations, you know that Valentine’s Day traffic.

Anyways, have a very Happy Valentine’s day and we hope you all have an wonderful, loving, and safe Valentine’s day!

Top ways to show you love and care

Kris’ Take: This list is going to cover the top ways that I feel someone can demonstrate that they love and care for someone. This list will include simple and obvious things in theory, but sometimes these are the hardest things to remember to do.

1. Listen – This is one of those obvious but sometimes difficult things to do. Sometimes you just get lost in thought, but when the person you love is pouring their heart out it means a lot when you’re able to give them meaningful responses. It upsets me when I will be in conversation with Laura, and something happens around me that causes my attention to be diverted. It makes Laura feel less special. I like Laura to feel like she is the most special person in the world to me, and I can’t do that if I’m not listening properly.
2. Support – There’s a lot of crazy ideas out there, but if the one you love feels a need to do something (as long as it is morally correct) then you should give them your backing. It’s a terrible feeling when you have an idea that you believe in, but the person that you love makes you feel like you’re ridiculous or completely insane for thinking it. If it doesn’t pose some kind of disaster to the relationship or security of the family than give them the support they need to accomplish it. If there is a huge risk then it needs to be throughly discussed and weighed out. But whatever the idea, no matter how big or small, try to offer support because there are too many critics already.
3. Be Equal – Men want to be treated like men, true, we like to have the masculine roles in the relationship, but that doesn’t mean that anyone needs to be treated in an inferior manner. Just because the guy takes out the garbage and fixes the car doesn’t mean that there needs to be an inferior status it just means that he’s good at what he does and she’s good at what she does. A brain surgeon might be great at doing surgery but I don’t want him working on my car. A relationship includes having a mutual respect for the work that the other does.
4. Share – One thing that my parents did which I still don’t understand was they kept all money seperate, I guess this was an advantage once they got divorced. It’s okay to keep track of your finances but keeping them seperate creates a division in the relationship. By saying, “This is mine and that is yours” is kind of going against the idea of a marriage making two become one. And the only reason I can see people doing this is in preparation for divorce if that occurs. If you’re preparing for divorce, don’t get married. Some people might do it for accounting purposes, but it escapes me why the accounting can’t occur as a whole, it would make it easier that way anyways. It’s easier to look at one income and one outgoing rather than tracking two.
5. Team Work – Tackle tough tasks as a couple. While you’re at it, tackle the easy tasks as a team also. Laura and I wash the dishes together and she always thanks me and lets me know how much easier it makes it for her. And Laura will always help me with some of my extra work because she knows the work load that I’m currently handling is pretty big too. If we did this in everything then it might dramatically cut down on the stress one feels in a relationship. Support each other in the tasks that you might not be able to do together and use team work in the ones that you can help each other in. By doing the bare minimum in a relationship you’re ensuring that the one you supposedly love has to pick up the slack. By doing that little bit extra you can turn a mundane task into a nice conversation while taking ome of the work load. I like doing the dishes with Laura because we seem to always have nice conversations while we do it.

Falling Out Of Love

Laura’s Take: The other day I was browsing through Yahoo! answers and came across a question entitled, “Falling out of love.” Through reading further, I found out that this woman has been married for 7 years and met someone else. She gets butterflies from this other man, butterflies that her husband gave her only 6 years prior. Her question was, if she can feel this way about another man, how can she stay in her marriage if she’s no longer in love with her husband.

Now to answer this question. First off, Please Please Please don’t confuse the butterfly feeling with love! The butterfly feeling doesn’t mean you’re in love with someone else or that you’re no longer in love with the one you’re currently with. The butterfly feeling is only a mere sign of something new, interesting, or different, which tends to make a person feel excited or nervous. So you’re about to go to the Endodontist to have a root canal done and you feel those butterflies fluttering around in the pit of your stomach. I don’t think it’s because you’re in love with your Endodontist, it’s probably just because you’re apprehensive about the procedure. The point is, butterflies do not mean love!

Secondly, if you’re married, what are you doing looking around for other men?! This is a BIG problem these days. People today, think it’s fine that you keep to the motto, “You can look, but don’t touch.” Who are you kidding? The people who stick to this motto are going to be the same ones who end up alone. By sticking to this phrase, they’re only putting themselves into temptation’s way and are just trying to justify their actions. For someone to be in a relationship and still looking for others, it can only mean that they’re not getting the attention they need from their current spouse. (See: Undivided Attention!)

Time to talk to the hubby. If you’re not feeling that spark anymore, you need to have a serious conversation with him. I know it’ll be hard, but tell him exactly how you feel. After 7 years, things are bound to become a little routine and boring, but you need to remember why you married him in the first place! Remember all the important moments you’ve had together… like when he asked you to marry him, when you got married, when you had your first child. Honestly, do you really want to just throw all of that away? Of course not! Talk about the things he used to do that you loved and now miss and vice versa. You may even find out that something you used to do is missed as well. Don’t have a defeatist attitude about your relationship. There’s always something you can do to save it.

So what can you do?
Try a second honeymoon. It’s a great way to think back on your relationship and quenches your desire for something new, interesting, and different. Marriage counseling is another good alternative because it really gives you the opportunity to tell each other how you’re feeling. Start going on a weekly date, just like you did before you had kids. Get a babysitter for the night and put the focus back on your relationship with your husband!

Kris’ Take: I agree, it’s truly a shame to see things like this occur. I call this “The grass is always greener” syndrome. People always think that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” Please, don’t ever believe this to be true. Be happy and proud that you have a marriage that has lasted 7 years faithfully! In America, as I’ve stated before, 50% of marriages fail, so it’s an achievement to be past that statistic! And you’re going to throw it away because of some butterflies? Please! I’ve gotten butterflies from seeing a stack of pancakes because I was so hungry. That doesn’t mean Laura should worry about me and Mrs. Butterworth running off into the sunset!

Of course she’s bored, she’s been married seven years and she probably does the same things day in and day out. We live in such a jaded society where we take our lives and safety for granted. This allows us to become bored and lethargic, and think that we’re owed some sort of everyday adventure. This woman has been given something better, a loving, faithful husband. No matter how imperfect their relationship may be, if your biggest problem is boredom, go on vacation.

When kids get bored we don’t tell them to go find a new family. We suggest activities they can do to be less bored. The problem I have is that we take life for granted. I guarantee that families in areas of unrest such as the middle east are more tightly woven just because of all of the conflict around them. They love each other and understand that any day could be their last. In America, we don’t really have that.

The other day I was driving down a busy highway and I almost got into the right hand lane, except there was a bus stopped, so I decided not to. Not more than 5 seconds later, a truck came roaring by and smashed into the back of a car that was stopped behind the bus. When this happened, I freaked out. I immediately called Laura and told her how much I love her. We have the illusion of guaranteed life, but nothing is guaranteed except the end of life. So don’t worry yourself with butterflies, don’t even worry yourself with looking around. Worry yourself with making sure that the person you married and yourself both know how much you love each other. Because when your guarantee comes, you probably won’t be able to say those words.

So instead of worrying about your own entertainment, because that’s what the woman’s issue was, worry about the people that you love and not your love for yourself. If you need more thrills, discuss it with your loved one, don’t try and find a new one. Go on a vacation, if you have kids, get a responsible baby sitter as Laura suggested. Go out and do something! Just because your husband or wife doesn’t juggle and do backflips to make you laugh doesn’t mean you need to go out chasing butterflies.

Undivided Attention!

Kris’ Take: All the world needs is love, love, love — Love is all you need. WRONG! Okay, so the Beatles were onto something but they should add another word in there; Attention. Yes it’s true, if you love someone you should give them attention, but it doesn’t mean it is required. And this happens to be a big problem in many relationships: A lack of attention. Guys are notorious for this, whether it be work, sports, or electronics in general. It seems like they’d rather be married to those things than you right? I sympathize on this subject just because I see it happen all too often, and it can wreak havoc on relationships and end marriages. Ladies, the only advice I can give is to try and talk about it. There’s no magical cure unfortunately.

Men, please pay attention to the woman you love. If you can’t give proper attention then you need not be seeing someone. Do both of you a favor and don’t engage in a relationship: that way she can find a man that will treat her right, and you won’t be bothered taking your attention away from what is truly important to you. It’s not only stupid, but completely selfish to try and say “I love this woman, and no one else can have her” and then turn around and say “okay, go do something while I watch this show, and the show after that, and the show after that.” Because that is what is essentially happening.

If the two of you are already married, then I suggest talking it out. If you have the ability to, you can even speak with a marriage counselor. There is this huge stigma about marriage counselors, but I’ve only heard good things. People are afraid that if they go to a marriage counselor, they’re admitting they have a problem. Well, yes, but you’re also admitting that you care enough to fix it. Not going to a counselor means you have a problem and you couldn’t care less whether it gets worked out. If you don’t have the money there are many other resources out there, many churches can arrange for you to speak with a counselor free of charge or at a steep discount.

If you love each other enough, then provide the attention that you two need. It’s not enough to just be married, part of the job is to make each other feel loved and encouraged.

Work Husband and Work Wife

Related Articles:
10 Ways To Catch A Cheater
Love Isn’t Blind
How To Be A Better Husband

Kris’ Take: I used to watch these sitcom television shows where people would talk about work husbands and work wives. I thought this was completely fake until I heard some people at my job talking about it. If you don’t know, a work husband or work wife is pretty much the title one receives when they spend too much time at work with someone of the opposite sex. So, Joe is married and he spends ten hours a day at work pouring over a project. He also has a partner that helps him named Jane. Jane and Joe know everything about each other because they spend 10 hours a day together. They’re very friendly and Joe feels more confident confiding in Jane then he does his own wife. Once he gets home, he has some dinner and heads off to bed with barely a word to his wife, just some generic conversation “how was your day?” “Fine, how was yours?” This would most definitely be considered a work husband/wife scenario. This kind of relationship is fine if you’re single, but from my viewpoint, completely inexcusable if you’re married.

I know that you’re bound to forge relationships when you work, but when it starts destroying your true relationships, then it’s time to draw some lines. How can this be done? Stop sharing every little thing with the person at work; Plain and simple. This person doesn’t need to know about your marriage problems. If you have marriage problems that need to be talked out, then bring it to your wife, or a marriage counselor. By talking about marriage problems with another woman, you’re pretty much yelling “I’m unhappy, do you want to make me feel better?” And I’m sure sometimes this is the person’s underlying intentions without even realizing it.

If possible, change project partners. If you’re able to get a man instead of a woman, or vice versa, then do it. Why tempt yourself? In this world of political correctness, segregation is so highly spoken against. “Women can do what men can do.” That’s correct, and I believe it to be completely true, but that doesn’t change the fact that by working with each other you can create a temptation. I’m not blaming women for this, I’m just saying this happens normally without anyone really noticing. Think about how you met your husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend. If it started out as a friendship, then it was probably pretty platonic in the beginning. And that changed after spending time together. People think that merely controlling your “sexual tension” is enough; No, it’s not, there shouldn’t be sexual tension at work. It’s work. The only sexual tension that should be controlled is the tension that you have for your husband or wife because you’ve been apart for 8 – 10 hours. If you have any other kind of tension, you need to request a new partner or team, and you need to let your husband or wife know so you can fix it before it becomes a real problem.

Infidelity runs rampant through relationships, and it is so terribly sad to see. These people that pledge to love each other for sicknesss or health, richer or poorer, and yet our divorce rate is 50%! 1 out of every 2 marriages fail in America, and every one of those marriages took the same pledge. There’s no reason except for people’s selfish ways. It may sound extreme what I suggest, but no job is worth a marriage. When you take that oath, you better be willing to live under a bridge and stay faithful rather than have a billion dollars and fail them.

Laura’s Take: I’m not too familiar with these terms, but I definitely agree with you, Kris, that people shouldn’t put themselves in such compromising positions with coworkers. I can’t even imagine how I would feel if my husband was closer to someone else at work than with me. If you can’t completely keep the promises you’ve made to your husband or wife, then you should seriously think about what you’re doing to your life.

Kris’ Take:  Don’t worry honey, you’ll never have to hear these words from my mouth.

Thinking of Popping the Question?

Laura’s Take: So you’ve been dating each other for a few years now and you want to take the next big step towards spending the rest of your life together. Before you hear the hundreds of Congratulations, there’s a few questions you should ask yourself.

1. Do you love the person with your whole heart? It may seem like a silly question, but there are many people today, who just get married for the companionship. That’s not the right reason. You need to love the person more than you love yourself and care about them more than you care about yourself. Can you picture yourself with that person years from now, when they’re old and looks are gone? Will you still love them just as much as you do now? Think about it.
2. Do you know everything about each other’s past? Everyone has some kind of skeleton in the closet, so make sure you find out about it before walking down that aisle. Discovering a secret after you’re married can cause some severe problems for newlyweds. Talk about your problems with each other, whether it’s past relationships, family problems, or even just bad habits.
3. Do you know what they want for the future? It’s more important than you may think. Conflicts about how to raise your future kids, or even about whether or not you want kids, can really put a lot of stress on a couple. Future career goals are also important. You want to be able to support your family down the road right? Make sure you see eye to eye on your future plans so you can both work towards making it a reality.
4. Do you know what her answer will be? Honestly, you should. If you’re feeling nervous about whether or not she’ll say yes, maybe you need to take a step back and think about your relationship. Maybe you, as a couple, aren’t ready to handle that kind of relationship yet. No man wants to spend thousands on an engagement ring just to have it handed right back to him. If you truly love each other, you’ll know what her answer will be before you even ask.
5. Do you see a wedding in the near future? When you ask someone to marry you, you’re saying, “I want to get married and spend the rest of my life with you,” not, “I love you and want to be engaged for the rest of my life.” Sure you need time to plan for the wedding, but don’t pop the question without taking the immediate future into consideration. Don’t expect to ask a girl “Will you marry me?” and plan for a long engagement. If you love them, commit to them, completely.