Cheating Spouses: Love them or Leave them

Laura’s Take: Marriage is a holy union between two people and God, a union that is meant to stand the test of time. But God gave each and every one of us free will to make our own decisions, and sometimes we, as humans, don’t always make the best ones. Some bad decisions can have only a small impact on our lives, while others can completely change the rest of your life. How does a person cope with the knowledge that their husband or wife is having an affair? If you’re in this position, here are a few things to take into consideration.

• How did you find out? If you had to do your own snooping to find out, then the odds are that he or she wasn’t planning on ever telling you. If they confess without your snoopage, then they are most likely remorseful of their actions and wanted to be honest with you.
• Do you have any children? Sometimes couples that have experienced infidelity decide it’s better to remain in the relationship for the sake of the children. Children don’t like having parents who are constantly fighting, in fact, sometimes they’d actually prefer the divorce. Talk to your children and ask them how they feel about the issue. It’s not just about you and your spouse, it’s about the entire family.
• Do you want revenge? It’s a natural feeling to want to hurt the person who hurt you, but vengeful cheating will only hurt yourself. Having meaningless relations with another person will lower your self esteem and only make you feel worse. Try to get over your pain the hard way, lots of tissues and ice cream.
• Will they cheat again? Well it really just depends on the person, but my belief is if they’re willing to risk their marriage once, why not again? It’s like the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
• Can you ever trust them again? Well I can answer this one for you. No, you’ll never be fully able to trust them after there’s been infidelity. When he’s late coming home from work, you’ll wonder if there’s something still going on. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the constant paranoia.
• What do you want to do? There’s only two options, stay in the relationship or move on. Tell your spouse you need some time to think about what you want. Go away for a few days, and during those days, avoid talking to them, because they could try and persuade your opinion. They already made their decision, it’s time for you to make yours.

If you decide that you want to work things out, try going to a marriage counselor to talk about ways to deal with the situation. Counseling is one of the only ways to really be able to rebuild a relationship. If your spouse truly wants to work things out, there should be no fighting about going to the couple’s therapy. It’s so sad to hear when a couple is torn by infidelity. Please, don’t put yourself or your marriage in a compromising position by letting the world’s temptations get the best of you.

Kris’ Take: This is a very sad subject to tackle but unfortunately it’s a rampant problem. I completely agree with the counseling. I don’t think anybody involved in a situation like this is any kind of condition to try and repair the relationship. A counselor can be an invaluable tool that will allow you to make amends rather than just bury the hurt deep down inside. Chances are, if you decide to manage a cheating relationship just between the two of you, one of you is going to just be burying the hurt. A counselor will have the ability to bring out the emotions and arrive to the conclusions that would otherwise be overlooked, or considered too bothersome to face.

The best thing I can say about cheating in the first place is to prevent it. The reason cheating is so common is because people put themselves into situations where it can easily be accomplished. do you have a female colleague? Don’t go out to lunch with her, or do overnighters with her, or put yourself in any position where the two of you could be found alone. Not only will this help to prevent cheating, it will also prevent office rumors that can be just as equally damaging. Do you have a female friend? Don’t spend hours on the phone with her, and if you two are to hang out, bring your wife along. What will the two of you be doing that you couldn’t do with the woman that you supposedly will love until death do you part? Maybe she’d like to get out of the house or meet another female whom she can be friends with.

If you have a “look but don’t touch” attitude, get rid of it. All it takes is for one of those guys or girls that your day dreaming about to say hi and ask you to lunch, then it’s just a friendly lunch, right? Then he or she is giving you nice friendly compliments, friendly, right? Then you start noticing that your husband/wife doesn’t give you those nice compliments, that means this friend is better, right? They make you feel good so you should spend just a tad bit more time with them, right? But your husband/wife doesn’t need to know about these extra meetings, what they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? The answer to all of those is no.

If it sounds like I’m being too strict, then that’s because I take relationships seriously. You must make sacrifices so it will work, and if you don’t think that’s the reality of it, then you’re willing to sacrifice your marriage for another relationship which still validates my point. You can’t be in the wrong place at the wrong time if you never went there to begin with.

The Woman’s Guide to Complimenting

Laura’s Take: Believe me, there’s a right way and a wrong way! Let me start off with a few of the right ways. We like to be complimented on our beauty, our natural beauty. A simple, “Your smile is so beautiful,” will really let a woman’s guard down. Since she knows you like her smile, she’ll tend to smile a bit more for you, making for a much more comfortable atmosphere. Another thing women love to be complimented on is their personality/characteristics. For instance, “You have a great sense of humor,” or “Your laugh is adorable!” It shows a woman that you’re more interested in exploring her mind rather than her body. These kinds of compliments are the most important on a first date. You’re still able to compliment her without overwhelming her.

Which brings me to some of the wrong ways. Overwhelming a woman with compliments is a frequent problem I see. Sometimes when a man gets nervous on a date, he figures if he loads on the compliments, it’ll be a sure success. Not quite. Women love flattery, but there’s a point where it’s taking too far. Complimenting too much is actually more of a turn off than too little. When a women is constantly told how beautiful she looks, she begins to think that the man is only dating her for her looks. This goes right along with compliments about her body. For women, a compliment about our body isn’t really a compliment at all, just more of a sleazy come on.

When complimenting a woman, or for that matter, a man, just keep in mind that the best compliment comes right from the heart. If you don’t believe it, don’t say it! Because odds are, she won’t believe you either, which will make for a very tense environment for the both of you.

Kris’ Take:  Guys remember, compliments are like water.  Pour too little on, the flower won’t flourish, throw it into the ocean, it won’t flourish either.

Try to not Correct

Laura’s Take: This is some very, very valuable advice, men. Don’t ever provoke a woman to anger, because you won’t like us when we’re angry. And one thing that annoys me more than anything else, is when someone corrects me. It’s the easiest way to put me in a bad mood. I don’t care if I misspell a word, mispronounce a word, or pick a wrong word completely, I just don’t want to feel like my man is going to constantly point out my mistakes to me. I know I make silly mistakes here and there, everyone does, but it’s just down right cruel when you’re being corrected all the time for it.

Kris has learned about this pet peeve of mine. He tries very hard to not correct my errors, just because he knows how upset I get. When it’s something little, is it really necessary to correct the person, especially if you know that they may be sensitive to criticism? If a man could completely avoid an argument just by not correcting his wife, why wouldn’t he just opt to ignore the mispronunciation? I don’t know! Many women, like me, aren’t fans of criticism. We just don’t take it well. So I figure, leave me and my misspelling ways alone and we’ll both get along super!

I’m not trying to say that correcting someone else’s mistakes is always a bad thing, in fact sometimes it can be quite constructive and helpful. If someone honestly believes something that you know is wrong, and could potentially even hurt them in the future, you should let them know they are incorrect. In cases like these, we might be offended at first, but will eventually we’ll thank you for showing us the error of our ways. Otherwise, please try to ignore the little things, they’re just not worth it.

Kris’ Take: Yeah, this is definitely a pet peeve of Laura’s, but I’m getting better about it! Every once in a while I still do it though. I never do it to show her she’s wrong, but because it’s a pet peeve of her’s it’s hard to interpret it that way. This is a good example of figuring out each other so you understand what you can and can’t do. I love Laura a lot so I don’t want to do anything that hurt’s her, so conciously I try not to, but every once in a while it will come up on accident. The only thing I can say is: if this happens to be a pet peeve of yours, let your significant other know so they can try to work on it. And while they’re trying to work on it, you work on your reactions when it happens (This is assuming you have a fairly negative reaction when you’re corrected.). It’s all about communication, without communication the relationship could break down pretty quickly on small things even like this. You need to discuss what bothers the two of you, and find a compromise. Once the compromise is reached everyone needs to commit to it and make it an honest effort.

10 Things Every Woman Wants in a Man

Laura’s Take: Kris put his two cents in about what a man wants in a woman, so here’s a my take on what women want in a man. If there’s any women out there that have something else to add, please do! Men can use all the help they can get!

1. The first and most important characteristic is honesty. If you’re not about to trust your man, you don’t have a relationship! Men, tell the truth, all the time, no matter how bad it may be. We’ll love you for your honesty!

2. What’s a man without a good sense of humor? Boring, that’s what! Sing her a song, tell a joke, do whatever you have to make her laugh, because if you don’t know how to make or take a joke, a long, happy relationship is probably not in your future.

3. A nice smile can make any woman smile! It’s the most important part of a person’s face and it’s the first thing you see when you meet someone new, so make sure that those pearly whites are sparkling!

4. Men like to talk about what they know, and actually, women like to hear it. Intelligence is one of the most attractive characteristics in any man. We want you to amaze us with your extensive knowledge about electrical circuitry!

5. One thing that is so refreshing to find in a guy is a positive outlook on life. Negative people just bring others down with them and no woman wants a man who will make her sad and depressed.

6. Having a sensitive demeanor is key to any successful relationship, so to see a man who’s able to connect to his sensitive side is sweet and actually very manly. Yes, a sensitive man can be quite masculine and sexy!

7. Many woman love adventure and trying new things so it’s great have a man with an open mind. Being able to step out of one’s comfort zone to take risks is such an important characteristic because it really makes life interesting. Kris makes me try new foods all the time, foods I would othewise, had never tried myself.

8. Seriously, women can spend up to an hour each day making ourselves look pretty for you. Well we want the same respect back! Your physical appearance is important! We don’t want to be seen with a slob! Please, take some time and work on your appearance!

9. Old fashioned chivalry is still greatly appreciated by many women. It’s not easy to find any more these days, but luckily I’ve managed to find a gentleman who still thinks a lady deserves to be treated like such!

10. One thing that I’ve always loved about Kris is his determination. He’s goal orientated and that’s so important to me, especially since I have my own goals as well, so we’re able to motivate each other.

Falling Out Of Love

Laura’s Take: The other day I was browsing through Yahoo! answers and came across a question entitled, “Falling out of love.” Through reading further, I found out that this woman has been married for 7 years and met someone else. She gets butterflies from this other man, butterflies that her husband gave her only 6 years prior. Her question was, if she can feel this way about another man, how can she stay in her marriage if she’s no longer in love with her husband.

Now to answer this question. First off, Please Please Please don’t confuse the butterfly feeling with love! The butterfly feeling doesn’t mean you’re in love with someone else or that you’re no longer in love with the one you’re currently with. The butterfly feeling is only a mere sign of something new, interesting, or different, which tends to make a person feel excited or nervous. So you’re about to go to the Endodontist to have a root canal done and you feel those butterflies fluttering around in the pit of your stomach. I don’t think it’s because you’re in love with your Endodontist, it’s probably just because you’re apprehensive about the procedure. The point is, butterflies do not mean love!

Secondly, if you’re married, what are you doing looking around for other men?! This is a BIG problem these days. People today, think it’s fine that you keep to the motto, “You can look, but don’t touch.” Who are you kidding? The people who stick to this motto are going to be the same ones who end up alone. By sticking to this phrase, they’re only putting themselves into temptation’s way and are just trying to justify their actions. For someone to be in a relationship and still looking for others, it can only mean that they’re not getting the attention they need from their current spouse. (See: Undivided Attention!)

Time to talk to the hubby. If you’re not feeling that spark anymore, you need to have a serious conversation with him. I know it’ll be hard, but tell him exactly how you feel. After 7 years, things are bound to become a little routine and boring, but you need to remember why you married him in the first place! Remember all the important moments you’ve had together… like when he asked you to marry him, when you got married, when you had your first child. Honestly, do you really want to just throw all of that away? Of course not! Talk about the things he used to do that you loved and now miss and vice versa. You may even find out that something you used to do is missed as well. Don’t have a defeatist attitude about your relationship. There’s always something you can do to save it.

So what can you do?
Try a second honeymoon. It’s a great way to think back on your relationship and quenches your desire for something new, interesting, and different. Marriage counseling is another good alternative because it really gives you the opportunity to tell each other how you’re feeling. Start going on a weekly date, just like you did before you had kids. Get a babysitter for the night and put the focus back on your relationship with your husband!

Kris’ Take: I agree, it’s truly a shame to see things like this occur. I call this “The grass is always greener” syndrome. People always think that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” Please, don’t ever believe this to be true. Be happy and proud that you have a marriage that has lasted 7 years faithfully! In America, as I’ve stated before, 50% of marriages fail, so it’s an achievement to be past that statistic! And you’re going to throw it away because of some butterflies? Please! I’ve gotten butterflies from seeing a stack of pancakes because I was so hungry. That doesn’t mean Laura should worry about me and Mrs. Butterworth running off into the sunset!

Of course she’s bored, she’s been married seven years and she probably does the same things day in and day out. We live in such a jaded society where we take our lives and safety for granted. This allows us to become bored and lethargic, and think that we’re owed some sort of everyday adventure. This woman has been given something better, a loving, faithful husband. No matter how imperfect their relationship may be, if your biggest problem is boredom, go on vacation.

When kids get bored we don’t tell them to go find a new family. We suggest activities they can do to be less bored. The problem I have is that we take life for granted. I guarantee that families in areas of unrest such as the middle east are more tightly woven just because of all of the conflict around them. They love each other and understand that any day could be their last. In America, we don’t really have that.

The other day I was driving down a busy highway and I almost got into the right hand lane, except there was a bus stopped, so I decided not to. Not more than 5 seconds later, a truck came roaring by and smashed into the back of a car that was stopped behind the bus. When this happened, I freaked out. I immediately called Laura and told her how much I love her. We have the illusion of guaranteed life, but nothing is guaranteed except the end of life. So don’t worry yourself with butterflies, don’t even worry yourself with looking around. Worry yourself with making sure that the person you married and yourself both know how much you love each other. Because when your guarantee comes, you probably won’t be able to say those words.

So instead of worrying about your own entertainment, because that’s what the woman’s issue was, worry about the people that you love and not your love for yourself. If you need more thrills, discuss it with your loved one, don’t try and find a new one. Go on a vacation, if you have kids, get a responsible baby sitter as Laura suggested. Go out and do something! Just because your husband or wife doesn’t juggle and do backflips to make you laugh doesn’t mean you need to go out chasing butterflies.

Date Tip: Sound of Silence

Laura’s Take: Absolutely nothing can be a worse dating don’t than this, or at least in my opinion. Kris would probably still say it’s blowing your nose, but that’s a whole other post. So you pick up this beautiful girl, you open all the doors, take her to a romantic restaurant and even remember to pull out her chair. You’ve ordered your dinner and now comes the silence. Silence at the dinner table is almost the worst thing that can happen on a first date. I say almost because there are always worse alternatives. But honestly, having a boring conversation will make any date a flop. So before you pick up your date, think about what you already know about her. If it’s a blind date, just think about what kinds of things you’d like to know about her, such as hobbies, family, career, etc. Now make a mental list of these things and when you can feel the conversation growing quiet, pull out a question. Who knows, maybe the conversation will just flow and you don’t need to, but it’s always reassuring to know you have a backup plan.

Kris’ Take: I do agree, but the blowing the nose thing would go on that list of alternatives. Men, please take notice that Laura mentions thinking of questions to ask HER. I don’t care how good your job is, how high your pay is, or how big your house or condo in Cali is; the date is about her. Unless she asks you these questions, focus on her, and get to know her. It shows that you’re interested, and she’ll be happy that there is conversation. You can say so much more by listening and responding to what she has to say rather than giving your biography. Many women listen to the underlying idea, you could be telling her all of these great things, and what she’ll be hearing is “Me, me, me, oh more about me, did you know that I, Blah blah blah.” She’ll think that you’re completely self involved and full of conceit. You’ll be thinking you’re just keeping the date going, but she’ll be thinking “this dates over.” Ask about her, if she wants to know about you, she’ll chime in with a “what about you?” Give her a concise answer and get back to her.

Date Idea: Luck be a Lady

Laura’s Take: This date idea may not be for everyone, but it’s something a little out of the ordinary. Casinos are an interesting alternative to the usual dinner and a movie. I, myself, love playing slot machines, or really just anything that has lots of pretty blinking lights and noise! Before you go, set a limit as to how much you plan on playing, that way you won’t be spending more than you can afford. By the way, your limit should also include the money your date will be playing with… It is a date after all. Also, have the mindset that you’re playing only for the entertainment value instead of trying to make money. Why? so you won’t be disappointed when you don’t. But as I said, gambling isn’t for everybody, so I don’t recommend this idea for a first date.

Hot Tamales rates this idea:

4.5 out of 5 Hearts

Thinking of Popping the Question?

Laura’s Take: So you’ve been dating each other for a few years now and you want to take the next big step towards spending the rest of your life together. Before you hear the hundreds of Congratulations, there’s a few questions you should ask yourself.

1. Do you love the person with your whole heart? It may seem like a silly question, but there are many people today, who just get married for the companionship. That’s not the right reason. You need to love the person more than you love yourself and care about them more than you care about yourself. Can you picture yourself with that person years from now, when they’re old and looks are gone? Will you still love them just as much as you do now? Think about it.
2. Do you know everything about each other’s past? Everyone has some kind of skeleton in the closet, so make sure you find out about it before walking down that aisle. Discovering a secret after you’re married can cause some severe problems for newlyweds. Talk about your problems with each other, whether it’s past relationships, family problems, or even just bad habits.
3. Do you know what they want for the future? It’s more important than you may think. Conflicts about how to raise your future kids, or even about whether or not you want kids, can really put a lot of stress on a couple. Future career goals are also important. You want to be able to support your family down the road right? Make sure you see eye to eye on your future plans so you can both work towards making it a reality.
4. Do you know what her answer will be? Honestly, you should. If you’re feeling nervous about whether or not she’ll say yes, maybe you need to take a step back and think about your relationship. Maybe you, as a couple, aren’t ready to handle that kind of relationship yet. No man wants to spend thousands on an engagement ring just to have it handed right back to him. If you truly love each other, you’ll know what her answer will be before you even ask.
5. Do you see a wedding in the near future? When you ask someone to marry you, you’re saying, “I want to get married and spend the rest of my life with you,” not, “I love you and want to be engaged for the rest of my life.” Sure you need time to plan for the wedding, but don’t pop the question without taking the immediate future into consideration. Don’t expect to ask a girl “Will you marry me?” and plan for a long engagement. If you love them, commit to them, completely.

Quit Complaining

Laura’s Take: Not that what you’re saying isn’t important to your significant other, but sometimes it can be too much for them to handle. Imagine having a long, stressful day at work and coming home to only more stress? No one wants that. When you’re so close to a person, your moods are sometimes intertwined. For instance, I know that when I get in a depressed mood, Kris gets into that same mood. So if your complaining to your significant other, chances are, you’re only going to put them in a bad mood as well. I understand that sometimes, you just need to talk to somebody. It’s hard sometimes when you really need a shoulder to cry on, or complain on. You just don’t want to seem like all you do is complain (not attractive on anyone). Something that helps me is writing. If you like writing a personal journal, great, but some people don’t. I’m one of those people who feels that when you’re writing a journal, you’re writing to no one.

So this is what I do… I log into my e-mail and address the letter to Kris. Then I pretty much start writing the e-mail as if it were a journal, typing whatever I’m thinking at the time. It’s a really good method because I still get it off my chest, while I’m not complaining Kris’ ear off. After writing about what’s bugging me, I start feeling better and I can write some nice thoughts in my e-mail as well. It’s a good technique that seems to be working pretty good for me.

Kris’ Take:  I agree with this to a point.  If it’s just mindless complaining about anything and everything, then yes, please take the be quiet card.  If you have a genuine concern, or just had a horrible day, I don’t mind you complaining away.  I only role my eyes when I hear LFCs (Loud Frequent Complainers).  There’s a couple at work; no matter what the issue, they must complain, and they must make it known to everyone.  These people need a dunce cap and to sit in the corner.

Is it Better to Wait?

Laura’s Take: Controversial topic, I know… but it’s an important one. Waiting to have sex til marriage is something that can be very beneficial for serious couples. Many people claim that sex is the most crucial part of a relationship. This statement can’t be further from the truth. If a new couple spend all their time together in the bedroom, they’re not giving themselves the opportunity to get to know each other. How can you know if you truly love someone if you never take the time to learn about them? When sex is not involved, it allows a couple to focus on things that are more important for a relationship, like learning about each other’s personal philosophies, knowing and loving each other’s personalities, and caring about each other’s hopes and dreams and trying to help reach them. When you finally realize that you love someone with all your heart, make it official and get married before family, friends, and God. You have the rest of your life to spend intimate time with someone, why not make sure it’s the right someone.

Kris’ Take: I know most of our readers will probably be surprised, but I couldn’t agree more. I’ve seen so many times that these girls think that if they give the guy what he wants then he might like her more. This happens especially with teenage girls who are just really confused as to what relationships are really about. All they see on T.V. is sex and divorce, so then they think that relationships are about sex, and once they start fighting too much they are supposed to divorce and move on to the next guy. The truth is that the relationship should be formed before anything physical is involved. It’s the only way to possibly know that your guy will be there the next day. Get to know each other, do some activities together.

Find out each other’s pet peeves and habits. The more you know about each other the better the decision you can make. I know this all might sound old fashioned but here’s something for you to think about. Today, the divorce rate is at 50%. That means out of every two marriages, one will become divorced. That means lengthy legal fights, and you may end up dragging your poor innocent kids into the mix. I am the product of a broken home, and my parents tried very hard to keep us out of it, but it’s impossible. They still fight over us for the holidays. So if the divorce rate is horrible now, then I think it’s time people return to our old fashioned ways. From the mid 1900s and earlier you never heard of a 50% divorce rate! Why fix what wasn’t broken?

Wait until marriage. Guys won’t like you more if you’re giving it up. You’ll think they are, but they’ll actually be liking something else. Form the relationship first. If a guy can’t make it without it, then it might be time to find a guy who’s more accommodating to your needs.