Falling Out Of Love

Laura’s Take: The other day I was browsing through Yahoo! answers and came across a question entitled, “Falling out of love.” Through reading further, I found out that this woman has been married for 7 years and met someone else. She gets butterflies from this other man, butterflies that her husband gave her only 6 years prior. Her question was, if she can feel this way about another man, how can she stay in her marriage if she’s no longer in love with her husband.

Now to answer this question. First off, Please Please Please don’t confuse the butterfly feeling with love! The butterfly feeling doesn’t mean you’re in love with someone else or that you’re no longer in love with the one you’re currently with. The butterfly feeling is only a mere sign of something new, interesting, or different, which tends to make a person feel excited or nervous. So you’re about to go to the Endodontist to have a root canal done and you feel those butterflies fluttering around in the pit of your stomach. I don’t think it’s because you’re in love with your Endodontist, it’s probably just because you’re apprehensive about the procedure. The point is, butterflies do not mean love!

Secondly, if you’re married, what are you doing looking around for other men?! This is a BIG problem these days. People today, think it’s fine that you keep to the motto, “You can look, but don’t touch.” Who are you kidding? The people who stick to this motto are going to be the same ones who end up alone. By sticking to this phrase, they’re only putting themselves into temptation’s way and are just trying to justify their actions. For someone to be in a relationship and still looking for others, it can only mean that they’re not getting the attention they need from their current spouse. (See: Undivided Attention!)

Time to talk to the hubby. If you’re not feeling that spark anymore, you need to have a serious conversation with him. I know it’ll be hard, but tell him exactly how you feel. After 7 years, things are bound to become a little routine and boring, but you need to remember why you married him in the first place! Remember all the important moments you’ve had together… like when he asked you to marry him, when you got married, when you had your first child. Honestly, do you really want to just throw all of that away? Of course not! Talk about the things he used to do that you loved and now miss and vice versa. You may even find out that something you used to do is missed as well. Don’t have a defeatist attitude about your relationship. There’s always something you can do to save it.

So what can you do?
Try a second honeymoon. It’s a great way to think back on your relationship and quenches your desire for something new, interesting, and different. Marriage counseling is another good alternative because it really gives you the opportunity to tell each other how you’re feeling. Start going on a weekly date, just like you did before you had kids. Get a babysitter for the night and put the focus back on your relationship with your husband!

Kris’ Take: I agree, it’s truly a shame to see things like this occur. I call this “The grass is always greener” syndrome. People always think that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” Please, don’t ever believe this to be true. Be happy and proud that you have a marriage that has lasted 7 years faithfully! In America, as I’ve stated before, 50% of marriages fail, so it’s an achievement to be past that statistic! And you’re going to throw it away because of some butterflies? Please! I’ve gotten butterflies from seeing a stack of pancakes because I was so hungry. That doesn’t mean Laura should worry about me and Mrs. Butterworth running off into the sunset!

Of course she’s bored, she’s been married seven years and she probably does the same things day in and day out. We live in such a jaded society where we take our lives and safety for granted. This allows us to become bored and lethargic, and think that we’re owed some sort of everyday adventure. This woman has been given something better, a loving, faithful husband. No matter how imperfect their relationship may be, if your biggest problem is boredom, go on vacation.

When kids get bored we don’t tell them to go find a new family. We suggest activities they can do to be less bored. The problem I have is that we take life for granted. I guarantee that families in areas of unrest such as the middle east are more tightly woven just because of all of the conflict around them. They love each other and understand that any day could be their last. In America, we don’t really have that.

The other day I was driving down a busy highway and I almost got into the right hand lane, except there was a bus stopped, so I decided not to. Not more than 5 seconds later, a truck came roaring by and smashed into the back of a car that was stopped behind the bus. When this happened, I freaked out. I immediately called Laura and told her how much I love her. We have the illusion of guaranteed life, but nothing is guaranteed except the end of life. So don’t worry yourself with butterflies, don’t even worry yourself with looking around. Worry yourself with making sure that the person you married and yourself both know how much you love each other. Because when your guarantee comes, you probably won’t be able to say those words.

So instead of worrying about your own entertainment, because that’s what the woman’s issue was, worry about the people that you love and not your love for yourself. If you need more thrills, discuss it with your loved one, don’t try and find a new one. Go on a vacation, if you have kids, get a responsible baby sitter as Laura suggested. Go out and do something! Just because your husband or wife doesn’t juggle and do backflips to make you laugh doesn’t mean you need to go out chasing butterflies.

Date Tip: Sound of Silence

Laura’s Take: Absolutely nothing can be a worse dating don’t than this, or at least in my opinion. Kris would probably still say it’s blowing your nose, but that’s a whole other post. So you pick up this beautiful girl, you open all the doors, take her to a romantic restaurant and even remember to pull out her chair. You’ve ordered your dinner and now comes the silence. Silence at the dinner table is almost the worst thing that can happen on a first date. I say almost because there are always worse alternatives. But honestly, having a boring conversation will make any date a flop. So before you pick up your date, think about what you already know about her. If it’s a blind date, just think about what kinds of things you’d like to know about her, such as hobbies, family, career, etc. Now make a mental list of these things and when you can feel the conversation growing quiet, pull out a question. Who knows, maybe the conversation will just flow and you don’t need to, but it’s always reassuring to know you have a backup plan.

Kris’ Take: I do agree, but the blowing the nose thing would go on that list of alternatives. Men, please take notice that Laura mentions thinking of questions to ask HER. I don’t care how good your job is, how high your pay is, or how big your house or condo in Cali is; the date is about her. Unless she asks you these questions, focus on her, and get to know her. It shows that you’re interested, and she’ll be happy that there is conversation. You can say so much more by listening and responding to what she has to say rather than giving your biography. Many women listen to the underlying idea, you could be telling her all of these great things, and what she’ll be hearing is “Me, me, me, oh more about me, did you know that I, Blah blah blah.” She’ll think that you’re completely self involved and full of conceit. You’ll be thinking you’re just keeping the date going, but she’ll be thinking “this dates over.” Ask about her, if she wants to know about you, she’ll chime in with a “what about you?” Give her a concise answer and get back to her.

Undivided Attention!

Kris’ Take: All the world needs is love, love, love — Love is all you need. WRONG! Okay, so the Beatles were onto something but they should add another word in there; Attention. Yes it’s true, if you love someone you should give them attention, but it doesn’t mean it is required. And this happens to be a big problem in many relationships: A lack of attention. Guys are notorious for this, whether it be work, sports, or electronics in general. It seems like they’d rather be married to those things than you right? I sympathize on this subject just because I see it happen all too often, and it can wreak havoc on relationships and end marriages. Ladies, the only advice I can give is to try and talk about it. There’s no magical cure unfortunately.

Men, please pay attention to the woman you love. If you can’t give proper attention then you need not be seeing someone. Do both of you a favor and don’t engage in a relationship: that way she can find a man that will treat her right, and you won’t be bothered taking your attention away from what is truly important to you. It’s not only stupid, but completely selfish to try and say “I love this woman, and no one else can have her” and then turn around and say “okay, go do something while I watch this show, and the show after that, and the show after that.” Because that is what is essentially happening.

If the two of you are already married, then I suggest talking it out. If you have the ability to, you can even speak with a marriage counselor. There is this huge stigma about marriage counselors, but I’ve only heard good things. People are afraid that if they go to a marriage counselor, they’re admitting they have a problem. Well, yes, but you’re also admitting that you care enough to fix it. Not going to a counselor means you have a problem and you couldn’t care less whether it gets worked out. If you don’t have the money there are many other resources out there, many churches can arrange for you to speak with a counselor free of charge or at a steep discount.

If you love each other enough, then provide the attention that you two need. It’s not enough to just be married, part of the job is to make each other feel loved and encouraged.

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Date Idea: Luck be a Lady

Laura’s Take: This date idea may not be for everyone, but it’s something a little out of the ordinary. Casinos are an interesting alternative to the usual dinner and a movie. I, myself, love playing slot machines, or really just anything that has lots of pretty blinking lights and noise! Before you go, set a limit as to how much you plan on playing, that way you won’t be spending more than you can afford. By the way, your limit should also include the money your date will be playing with… It is a date after all. Also, have the mindset that you’re playing only for the entertainment value instead of trying to make money. Why? so you won’t be disappointed when you don’t. But as I said, gambling isn’t for everybody, so I don’t recommend this idea for a first date.

Hot Tamales rates this idea:

4.5 out of 5 Hearts

Thinking of Popping the Question?

Laura’s Take: So you’ve been dating each other for a few years now and you want to take the next big step towards spending the rest of your life together. Before you hear the hundreds of Congratulations, there’s a few questions you should ask yourself.

1. Do you love the person with your whole heart? It may seem like a silly question, but there are many people today, who just get married for the companionship. That’s not the right reason. You need to love the person more than you love yourself and care about them more than you care about yourself. Can you picture yourself with that person years from now, when they’re old and looks are gone? Will you still love them just as much as you do now? Think about it.
2. Do you know everything about each other’s past? Everyone has some kind of skeleton in the closet, so make sure you find out about it before walking down that aisle. Discovering a secret after you’re married can cause some severe problems for newlyweds. Talk about your problems with each other, whether it’s past relationships, family problems, or even just bad habits.
3. Do you know what they want for the future? It’s more important than you may think. Conflicts about how to raise your future kids, or even about whether or not you want kids, can really put a lot of stress on a couple. Future career goals are also important. You want to be able to support your family down the road right? Make sure you see eye to eye on your future plans so you can both work towards making it a reality.
4. Do you know what her answer will be? Honestly, you should. If you’re feeling nervous about whether or not she’ll say yes, maybe you need to take a step back and think about your relationship. Maybe you, as a couple, aren’t ready to handle that kind of relationship yet. No man wants to spend thousands on an engagement ring just to have it handed right back to him. If you truly love each other, you’ll know what her answer will be before you even ask.
5. Do you see a wedding in the near future? When you ask someone to marry you, you’re saying, “I want to get married and spend the rest of my life with you,” not, “I love you and want to be engaged for the rest of my life.” Sure you need time to plan for the wedding, but don’t pop the question without taking the immediate future into consideration. Don’t expect to ask a girl “Will you marry me?” and plan for a long engagement. If you love them, commit to them, completely.

Sharing Valentine’s Day

Kris’ Take:  We all know that Valentine’s day is a washed up corporate holiday designed to sell chocolate and cards right?  While that can be the underlying truth, the two of you can make it into so much more.  Make it a day that the two of you are able to set aside work, school, chores, and any other responsibilities and focus on your relationship.  It’s so common to go day by day and every once in a while say “I love you.”  Use this day to show him or her that you love them.  Take them to their favorite restaurant, buy them their favorite flowers and chocolate, or go to a beautiful spot where the Sun is setting and have a romantic picnic.  Just because many people feel the holiday is washed up, it doesn’t mean that it has to be.  You don’t need to spend a million dollars to have a nice time and demonstrate your love.  It’ll  be like a one day vacation that I’m sure the two of you really need.  Enjoy your time together, and demonstrate how much you truly do love one another.

Don’t Forget What You Do Have

Kris’ Take:  Every morning I listen to morning shows on the radio.  I hear people asking for help because of this and that.  There are a lot of people out there in need of something, and one thing I commonly hear brought up is how people are lonely.  As humans, we have a need to be wanted or accepted.  A husband, wife, fiancee, boyfriend, or girlfriend fulfills this need, but many people forget the feeling of being alone.  It gets caught up in complaints about how the other snores too loud, didn’t cut the grass, or forgot to wash the dishes.  And sometimes it even gets taken as far as divorce.  What each of us needs to do is re-evaluate the importance of people in our lives.  How would you feel if they weren’t in your life?  How would you feel being completely and utterly alone?  Some people would say they’d be just fine.  But for how long?  Those people I feel are extremely short sighted, and I don’t think they realize they’d soon be seeking out friends to fill the void. 

It’s okay to complain when you’re frustrated, but at the end of the day make sure the two of you are hugging and cuddling.  You never know what tomorrow may bring, and that’s if tomorrow ever comes.  Be happy and proud that you have someone in your life, because there are people who pray constantly to have that kind of companionship in their life.  Today I heard a statistic that 70% of wealthy men over the age of 55 said the two most important things to judge their success was:

1. Having a happy and loving family.

2. Being able to retire early.

Why did they want to retire early?  So they could spend time with their happy and loving family.  That means that men who consider themselves successful measure that by having a family, not how many figures are in their bank account!  So remember:  while you’re busy complaining about the wife, husband, or kids you have, there are other people out their who would love to have the blessings you’ve got.  Don’t forget what you do have.

Valentine’s Day Tips

Laura’s Take: So we’re less than a month away and I’m sure you all aren’t scrambling yet, but time is a tickin’. Here’s just a few helpful tips that can really make an impression this Valentine’s Day.

Gift Giving:

Flowers and candy are traditional, but are also a bit of a cliché now a days. I’m not trying to say that flowers and candy aren’t a good idea. If you think she’s expecting them, then don’t try skipping them. I just think that instead of buying her something that’ll disappear in a few days, get her something that’ll last. If you’re a new couple, try a cute heart picture frame with a picture of the two of you. It’s a sweet memento that he or she can put in their room and see everyday. It’s fun to look back at old photos of when Kris and I started dating. If you’ve been dating awhile, try something a little more elaborate, such as an engraved picture frame, heart shaped bracelet, or even a ring… ~wink wink~ If you still want to be traditional and give her something to stimulate her sweet tooth, try making it yourself! It’s always nice to see a man who’s willing to bake for his woman!

Valentines:

Remember growing up and handing out Snoopy Valentines to everyone in your second grade class? They’re nice for 9 year olds, but not for a date. Buy a nice card (Hallmark) and write something sweet in it. If you really want to make an impression, make your own old fashioned Valentine. If you’re going to make your own Valentine, make sure you don’t skimp on any materials and take your time and really put some effort into it. If you work hard on it, it’ll show.

Dinner:

Obviously you don’t want to take your Valentine out for pizza, unless of course you know a classy pizza place. (Good Luck with that) My suggestion is that you find a nice restaurant with a romantic ambiance. When you’re seated, go straight to the dessert menu and have dessert before your dinner. After all, sometimes you’re too full to even get to dessert. (Something my mom taught me) Want to go a different route, make dinner! Find a nice recipe for two and set up the table with plenty of candles. Making dinner for your sweetheart is a great way to show them just how much you love them!

Kris’ Take: Now because this holiday is meant for our princesses it’s impossible for me to refute anything that Laura has said. I’d tell you what I’m planing on doing but then Laura wouldn’t be all that surprised 🙂 So gentlemen, listen to any hints she might be dropping, and if you’re not getting any hints, listen to what Laura said, she gives good advice!