Laura’s Take: The other day I was browsing through Yahoo! answers and came across a question entitled, “Falling out of love.” Through reading further, I found out that this woman has been married for 7 years and met someone else. She gets butterflies from this other man, butterflies that her husband gave her only 6 years prior. Her question was, if she can feel this way about another man, how can she stay in her marriage if she’s no longer in love with her husband.
Now to answer this question. First off, Please Please Please don’t confuse the butterfly feeling with love! The butterfly feeling doesn’t mean you’re in love with someone else or that you’re no longer in love with the one you’re currently with. The butterfly feeling is only a mere sign of something new, interesting, or different, which tends to make a person feel excited or nervous. So you’re about to go to the Endodontist to have a root canal done and you feel those butterflies fluttering around in the pit of your stomach. I don’t think it’s because you’re in love with your Endodontist, it’s probably just because you’re apprehensive about the procedure. The point is, butterflies do not mean love!
Secondly, if you’re married, what are you doing looking around for other men?! This is a BIG problem these days. People today, think it’s fine that you keep to the motto, “You can look, but don’t touch.” Who are you kidding? The people who stick to this motto are going to be the same ones who end up alone. By sticking to this phrase, they’re only putting themselves into temptation’s way and are just trying to justify their actions. For someone to be in a relationship and still looking for others, it can only mean that they’re not getting the attention they need from their current spouse. (See: Undivided Attention!)
Time to talk to the hubby. If you’re not feeling that spark anymore, you need to have a serious conversation with him. I know it’ll be hard, but tell him exactly how you feel. After 7 years, things are bound to become a little routine and boring, but you need to remember why you married him in the first place! Remember all the important moments you’ve had together… like when he asked you to marry him, when you got married, when you had your first child. Honestly, do you really want to just throw all of that away? Of course not! Talk about the things he used to do that you loved and now miss and vice versa. You may even find out that something you used to do is missed as well. Don’t have a defeatist attitude about your relationship. There’s always something you can do to save it.
So what can you do?
Try a second honeymoon. It’s a great way to think back on your relationship and quenches your desire for something new, interesting, and different. Marriage counseling is another good alternative because it really gives you the opportunity to tell each other how you’re feeling. Start going on a weekly date, just like you did before you had kids. Get a babysitter for the night and put the focus back on your relationship with your husband!
Kris’ Take: I agree, it’s truly a shame to see things like this occur. I call this “The grass is always greener” syndrome. People always think that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” Please, don’t ever believe this to be true. Be happy and proud that you have a marriage that has lasted 7 years faithfully! In America, as I’ve stated before, 50% of marriages fail, so it’s an achievement to be past that statistic! And you’re going to throw it away because of some butterflies? Please! I’ve gotten butterflies from seeing a stack of pancakes because I was so hungry. That doesn’t mean Laura should worry about me and Mrs. Butterworth running off into the sunset!
Of course she’s bored, she’s been married seven years and she probably does the same things day in and day out. We live in such a jaded society where we take our lives and safety for granted. This allows us to become bored and lethargic, and think that we’re owed some sort of everyday adventure. This woman has been given something better, a loving, faithful husband. No matter how imperfect their relationship may be, if your biggest problem is boredom, go on vacation.
When kids get bored we don’t tell them to go find a new family. We suggest activities they can do to be less bored. The problem I have is that we take life for granted. I guarantee that families in areas of unrest such as the middle east are more tightly woven just because of all of the conflict around them. They love each other and understand that any day could be their last. In America, we don’t really have that.
The other day I was driving down a busy highway and I almost got into the right hand lane, except there was a bus stopped, so I decided not to. Not more than 5 seconds later, a truck came roaring by and smashed into the back of a car that was stopped behind the bus. When this happened, I freaked out. I immediately called Laura and told her how much I love her. We have the illusion of guaranteed life, but nothing is guaranteed except the end of life. So don’t worry yourself with butterflies, don’t even worry yourself with looking around. Worry yourself with making sure that the person you married and yourself both know how much you love each other. Because when your guarantee comes, you probably won’t be able to say those words.
So instead of worrying about your own entertainment, because that’s what the woman’s issue was, worry about the people that you love and not your love for yourself. If you need more thrills, discuss it with your loved one, don’t try and find a new one. Go on a vacation, if you have kids, get a responsible baby sitter as Laura suggested. Go out and do something! Just because your husband or wife doesn’t juggle and do backflips to make you laugh doesn’t mean you need to go out chasing butterflies.