Cheating Spouses: Love them or Leave them

Laura’s Take: Marriage is a holy union between two people and God, a union that is meant to stand the test of time. But God gave each and every one of us free will to make our own decisions, and sometimes we, as humans, don’t always make the best ones. Some bad decisions can have only a small impact on our lives, while others can completely change the rest of your life. How does a person cope with the knowledge that their husband or wife is having an affair? If you’re in this position, here are a few things to take into consideration.

  • How did you find out? If you had to do your own snooping to find out, then the odds are that he or she wasn’t planning on ever telling you. If they confess without your snoopage, then they are most likely remorseful of their actions and wanted to be honest with you.
  • Do you have any children? Sometimes couples that have experienced infidelity decide it’s better to remain in the relationship for the sake of the children. Children don’t like having parents who are constantly fighting, in fact, sometimes they’d actually prefer the divorce. Talk to your children and ask them how they feel about the issue. It’s not just about you and your spouse, it’s about the entire family.
  • Do you want revenge? It’s a natural feeling to want to hurt the person who hurt you, but vengeful cheating will only hurt yourself. Having meaningless relations with another person will lower your self esteem and only make you feel worse. Try to get over your pain the hard way, lots of tissues and ice cream.
  • Will they cheat again? Well it really just depends on the person, but my belief is if they’re willing to risk their marriage once, why not again? It’s like the old saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
  • Can you ever trust them again? Well I can answer this one for you. No, you’ll never be fully able to trust them after there’s been infidelity. When he’s late coming home from work, you’ll wonder if there’s something still going on. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the constant paranoia.
  • What do you want to do? There’s only two options, stay in the relationship or move on. Tell your spouse you need some time to think about what you want. Go away for a few days, and during those days, avoid talking to them, because they could try and persuade your opinion. They already made their decision, it’s time for you to make yours.

If you decide that you want to work things out, try going to a marriage counselor to talk about ways to deal with the situation. Counseling is one of the only ways to really be able to rebuild a relationship. If your spouse truly wants to work things out, there should be no fighting about going to the couple’s therapy. It’s so sad to hear when a couple is torn by infidelity. Please, don’t put yourself or your marriage in a compromising position by letting the world’s temptations get the best of you.

Kris’ Take: This is a very sad subject to tackle but unfortunately it’s a rampant problem. I completely agree with the counseling. I don’t think anybody involved in a situation like this is any kind of condition to try and repair the relationship. A counselor can be an invaluable tool that will allow you to make amends rather than just bury the hurt deep down inside. Chances are, if you decide to manage a cheating relationship just between the two of you, one of you is going to just be burying the hurt. A counselor will have the ability to bring out the emotions and arrive to the conclusions that would otherwise be overlooked, or considered too bothersome to face.

The best thing I can say about cheating in the first place is to prevent it. The reason cheating is so common is because people put themselves into situations where it can easily be accomplished. do you have a female colleague? Don’t go out to lunch with her, or do overnighters with her, or put yourself in any position where the two of you could be found alone. Not only will this help to prevent cheating, it will also prevent office rumors that can be just as equally damaging. Do you have a female friend? Don’t spend hours on the phone with her, and if you two are to hang out, bring your wife along. What will the two of you be doing that you couldn’t do with the woman that you supposedly will love until death do you part? Maybe she’d like to get out of the house or meet another female whom she can be friends with.

If you have a “look but don’t touch” attitude, get rid of it. All it takes is for one of those guys or girls that your day dreaming about to say hi and ask you to lunch, then it’s just a friendly lunch, right? Then he or she is giving you nice friendly compliments, friendly, right? Then you start noticing that your husband/wife doesn’t give you those nice compliments, that means this friend is better, right? They make you feel good so you should spend just a tad bit more time with them, right? But your husband/wife doesn’t need to know about these extra meetings, what they don’t know won’t hurt them, right? The answer to all of those is no.

If it sounds like I’m being too strict, then that’s because I take relationships seriously. You must make sacrifices so it will work, and if you don’t think that’s the reality of it, then you’re willing to sacrifice your marriage for another relationship which still validates my point. You can’t be in the wrong place at the wrong time if you never went there to begin with.


15 Responses to “Cheating Spouses: Love them or Leave them”

  1. Hot Alpha Female Says:

    Hey guys,
    In terms of cheating i usually go along the lines of “once a cheater always a cheater”.

    Now in terms of trying to figure out what to do with someone who has cheated on you. Then i would say dump them. LoL

    I know, i know that sounds like really harsh and what not, but when someone cheats on you. You pretty much lose that trust and respect with them.

    That is something that is very hard to get back. I always think that you should have high standards in life and that you deserve the best. Staying with someone who has done that to you … really is settling for less than you deserve.

    Appreciate the lesson that this person gave you and move on. But i know at the same time its can be easier said than done.

    Another point is that .. where does cheating start? Does that mean when it gets sexual? I think that it actually go beyonds this. And i think that emotional cheating is actually the worse form of it. Because your emotions are something that you hold close to your heart.

    Being cheated on would be painful … but it would hurt even more so .. knowing that my partner loved someone else … while still being with me.

    Get a knife and stab me in the heart ..

    I agree with you kris, that the best way to stop cheating is to prevent it. This comes from making the right partner selection as well as communicating well in the relationship and making your both partners are accommodating each others needs and wants.

    Hot Alpha Female

  2. Hot Tamales Says:

    Kris’ Take: You bring up a good point which I mildly addressed with the look but don’t touch statement. You can cheat and never have even touched the person! I agree that emotional cheating is the worst kind, and it seems to occur all the time! That’s why I say don’t go out to lunch with colleagues of the opposite sex or anything like that, because that forms relationships which I would imagine are kind of hard to keep platonic due to human nature. It’s just better to avoid the situation and not tempt yourselves.

  3. Sophia Says:

    Here’s how to tell if they’re cheating.

  4. STAY OR GO! : Cheating Spouses Says:

    […] I read a great blog that was talking about should you love your cheating spouse or leave them. I’m not going to […]

  5. Mark Says:

    I agree with Kris and Hot Alpha Female, unfortunately my wife and most of her friends don’t agree with me. They all think I am being controlling when I express how uncomfortable I am with her hanging out with her male friends without me. I was told once by the mother of a past relationship that it is just as important to never put yourself in a position where your spouse has to doubt you as it is to trust them. I tripped over this post by accident and am very grateful to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

  6. Hot Tamales Says:

    Kris’ Take: No mark, you’re not alone. And there’s many that feel just as we do! You see, the problem is that society has tried to force everyone to believe that this is a controlling action. People have a very “Well if you’re not going to cheat then what’s the harm?” The fact of the matter is no one think’s that they will cheat! No one goes into a relationship thinking “I’m Going to soooo cheat on this person.” It begins with these little preventable things that eventually culmintae into the perfect chance to cheat.

    Example: You have a female friend who is a good listener, you get into a fight with your wife, your female friend is there to listen to you… then… uht oh.

    Those are the stupid things that could have been prevented, but weren’t. I think that example is one of the more common ones I’ve heard for cheating. Everyone likes to think that they have control, but take a look at a child with cancer and then try and tell me how much control we actually do have on this Earth. We’ve got none. If we want to take a test I’ll make a list right here of things that tempt people. If you’ve:

    cheated (on anything including tests)
    gone to a casino
    played a lottery
    bet on anything
    taken a higher paying job
    broken a diet
    Called into a radio sweepstakes
    entered into any sweepstakes
    Done something because you saw it in a commercial first
    done anything because friends were
    done anything because there was a reward

    If you fall into any of those categories (Which I doubt there is a person who hasn’t) then you’ve been tempted, and gave into it. So the next time you’re wife says she doesn’t give into temptation, I would remind her we all have. and maybe she wouldn’t when she’s at her metally strongest, but how often are we, as overworked, underpaid people, ever at our mentally strongest?

  7. Mona Lisa Says:

    Hey Kris,

    Well I for one don’t see “Cheating Spouses” the same way I would look at all “Temptations” you mentioned. For example, I have pretty much done 75% of the things mentioned, but would NEVER cheat on my husband of 25 years. It’s a whole different ball game….When someones heart and marriage is on the line, there’s no comparing that to playing Jackpot or playing the Lottery…
    Temptation can easlily be Avoided. for instance nearly every day I get some guy who will send me a “Your Beautiful” message, whether on Facebook or Myspace and you know what, I DON’T respond back! I don’t waste my time with people who obviously didn’t read my profile long enough to see I’M Happily Married…
    So I think some people are stronger minded than others when it comes to Trust, if the person you have committed your life to isn’t 100% certain they can keep their clothes on, well then their not worth a “I Do”…..It really has little to do with Cheating Spouses. I can see an attractive man and think, “Hey he looks good for his age!” But I really couldn’t care a less what’s going on in his life…why would I? There is Temptation, like eating a wonderful peice of chocolate, then there is Sin, that would fall under the Title of this post,
    “Cheating Spouses” is committing a Sin, that is why the Pain is so intense and why it is seen as forbidden. I have two beautiful adult children and I know one day they will wish to find the Love of their Lives and not have to worry about the “What Ifs”…This topic is very sensative, but I wouldn’t mind for those who come into my kids lives to take a polygraph test and if it fails once, take it again, twice should be pretty telling………If they don’t have anything to hide then there shouldn’t be a problem…..All this in the Name of a Strong and Healthy Marriage.

  8. Hot Tamales Says:

    Kris’ Take: Hi Mona Lisa! That list was actually meant to demonstrate that no one is immune to temptation. Which I think it does very well. By no means was I trying to put those acts on the same level as cheating.

  9. Hot Tamales Says:

    Kris’ Take: This is not directed to any visible comments on here, this was written for someone else, I’ve deleted the comment and apologize to anyone who may have read it, including the person it was directed at. I ask that you please not slander people who write comments. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. If you don’t agree with what other people say that is fine, but Laura and I will in no way condone demeaning or outright bad language towards anyone on this blog. If you disagree write it in an eloquent fashion so that it expresses your opinion and is still helpful and positive. This is a place for positive expression and we will try our best to monitor any negative comments that are conveyed.

  10. BigBan Says:

    Oh, Thanks! Really amazing. Big ups!

  11. Fiona Says:

    I really empathise with you. My husband, Charles Dods, cheated on me at least twice that I know of and the most hurtful and destructive aspect of it all was the lies he told. He has nearly destroyed me physically, mentally and emotionally and yet we wronged people are expected to quietly creep away to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. Often we are still expected to hold together and be strong for the children – because suddenly all the responsibility of holding things together is heaped onto us by family and friends who have no understanding of our emotional frailty, depression and sense of utter despair and hopelessness. We must be strong, we must not show our emotions or we are hurting the children, we must now single-handedly run the home, take care of the children and work to pay the bills. But what of the husband? His responsibility in all this mess seems to be overlooked and it is OK that he is now living like a playboy free of it all and happy in the arms of his new lover. It SUCKS!! My soon to be ex is now a born again christian – which SUCKS too! The lies he has told! The first woman was treated to an emerald ring, flights to London and Denmark from Finland, dinners and flowers. I nearly died when I saw the phone bill – all the calls made while I was working my shifts! He moved us all out to the USA for the second affair with a highflying business executive. I even knew who she was but he denied it all – even in front of a counsellor! She and my children began to think I was neurotic – I was reduced to panic attacks and started to take anti-depressants. He then told the children, before he finally packed and left us, that I was only OK because I was on anti-depressants! I only managed to nail him when I searched one night through his brief case and found an account with Hallmark Gold, tried various of his passwords and gained entry to his orders, one of which was a valentine to the lady in question with kisses filling the screen. The rest you could think is history – except that stupidly I allowed him to come back and screw me up all over again so that I have reached the point I am at today. I should have realised after I allowed him back but found a few weeks later that he had diverted to New Jersey on a business trip to take her out to a fancy restaurant and buy her flowers, that he really was a sh*t. But some of us don’t learn until we have done ourselves so much damage that we have almost lost the desire to live. Yes I am vindictive and I could tell you a bit about anger but you are right that vindictive woman are created by men who behave in the way that my now holier than thou husband has done. He and the latest model now say prayers for my soul – doesn’t that just crease you up!! And yes, how does one get over the greatest injustice ever. Maybe with time but I am deeply scarred and will carry those scars with me for the rest of my life as will most of us who have undergone complete character assassination in order to justify an affair!

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  13. Marcel Lemma Says:

    I’ve personally dealt with panic attacks my whole life. It started when I was just a teenager and I’ve had to deal with them since then. I’ve finally figured out that has helped me get them done once and for all. I will tell you that it wasn’t quick or easy, but after a while I was able to finally get rid of them. I’ve finally got rid of them and its like I’ve started a new life not having panic attacks. I also saw a Dr. Oz special a few days ago, sometimes it isn’t a panic attack that is the root of the problem, I’d also recommend talking to your doctor. Good luck!

  14. Carol Buddle Says:

    On that point is apparently a plenty to experience about the matter. I guess you hit numerous just points

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